Responsibility
by Risu Kenneruru
Summary: Severus Snape's views on Lily, before and after her death.


-1Severus Snape hated his life.

As long as he could remember, he'd hated his life. He hated his mother, his father, his teachers, his fellow students. And it seemed that they all hated him. He was accepted only by those whom he had once seen as evil, those who found comfort, as he was beginning to, in the Dark Arts. It hardly mattered to him that these arts were, in fact, dark. Everyone who was said to stand for good, the most noble of wizards, spent their lives making his hell.

The most noble Gryffindors, the current rulers of the wizarding world, had just given him a black eye. He had given them their fair share of bruises, but he never initiated the confrontations that seemed to occur daily.

At least Lily was never around for them anymore. More than anything, he'd hated being humiliated in front of her. God, how he'd loathed it. He'd lashed out, for that one reason. Get her away from him and she wouldn't watch as he was stripped of his dignity. Now she wouldn't speak to him. Hell, she wouldn't look at him, acknowledge him, anything. The only person that he'd ever loved, and now she couldn't stand the sight of him.

Not that he blamed her. What he'd called her was… awful. She was so much better than that. Most muggle borns deserved every name that they got, but Lily… She might have been pureblood for all he knew. In potions she outdid every pureblood in there.

Severus let out a laugh. The half blood and the muggle born were the leaders in the darkest class this school had. Purebloods were up there, but just couldn't seem to surpass either of them. It surprised Severus that they had welcomed him into their circle. Future potions master or not, because what else was he going to do with his life, he was a half blood. Unlike the others of his ilk in Slytherin, he embraced his blood. Well, he accepted his blood. To embrace it would require that he enjoyed it, which couldn't have been farther from the truth.

And now so many of his… friends were raving about the Dark Lord. Severus personally had no real desire to join with this man. Honor, glory, and all of that aside, Lily was a muggle born. Under all of his hate, all of his rage, there was Lily. She hated him now, but she would always be the only person he loved.

Damn it, he couldn't sleep at night, thinking of what he had called her. So, here he was. Wondering the halls. Sitting in his bed, waiting for the sleep that would never come was not his idea of a good time. Neither was obsessing over a woman who would never have him, and, if the rumors were true, was now dating the one person he hated more than anything in the world. There were so many other things that he could be doing. Catching up on the sleep he'd lost over the course of the last month, for example.

"Damn it all,' he whispered, and slumped against the wall. He felt himself slipping, and didn't bother stopping himself. He ended up sitting on the floor. The sad part was, he didn't even care. He could sit here all night, fantasizing and agonizing over Lily, and he didn't give a damn any more. The Marauders could sashay up at this very moment, and he wouldn't even fight. Not until they insulted his mother, that is. Severus doubted he'd ever be numb enough to let those little assholes insult his mother. She may be completely insane at this point, but she had once been greater than any of those jerks could ever dream of being.

The very thought of their humiliation at his hands seemed like more than enough of a reason to join the Dark Lord. They would be the noble ones, they would fight against him. And in his mind, Severus saw Black and Potter dying at his hands. It would make up for every curse, every hex, every jinx, he would die happy on that day.

And if Lily was really dating Potter, all the more reason for that prat to die. She was so much better than that little prick, but it seemed she would rather be with an arrogant, mindless bully than someone who had proven over and over how much he cared for her.

In the end, Severus had to admit he was better off without her. She may be incredible when it comes to potions, but she was a bird. And a muggle born. It didn't matter what was under everything, he reminded himself, she was a mudblood. She was with Potter. She was worthless, and Severus was so much better than her.

Bolstered by this argument, Severus got off his ass and made his way to the potions room. Slughorn didn't mind if he broke curfew to work on his various projects. He was the most gifted out there when it came to it, and the professor saw his extra hours as something to be encouraged. He would work himself until he was convinced that what he was doing was the right thing.

Severus sunk to the ground. The mud soaked through robes, and Lucius looked on with contempt. He didn't care.

Lily was dead. And he was responsible.

It was he who listened in on that private conversation. It was he who revealed the prophecy to the Dark Lord. It was HE who was responsible for Lily's death!

After everything he'd done to convince himself he didn't need her, he was broken now that she was gone. At the first sign that she might be in danger, he'd cracked. Several years of highly structured arguments had toppled at the slightest breeze.

And there was absolutely nothing he could do. Dumbledore had trapped him. Every single day he would be reminded of the life that could have been his, the child that could have been his, the life that she had been robbed of. Every single day he would have to look into the green eyes that had once looked at him in awe, and later in contempt and pity.

Every. Single. Day.

Quite frankly, the whole idea of it made Severus want to lay down and die. If Lucius hadn't been watching his every move, trying to determine whether or not this crippling sadness was for the Dark Lord, he would have impaled himself on one of those elaborate spikes. They spiraled up and ended three feet from the ground in a deadly point, as the Dark Lord had already proved.

Or perhaps he would have chosen to live. Dumbledore was convinced that Lily's boy needed him, that the wizarding world would need him upon the Dark Lord's return. It was quite a small comfort, but he would take anything he could get.

Severus slowly pulled himself up, feeling Lucius' eyes burning into him the whole time. He turned away from the beautiful mansion, stopping only to wipe as much mud as possible from his robes. As soon as he left the property, he apparated to Hogsmeade.

He would prove to Lily that he loved her.

Responsibility


End file.
